Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
In "Do The Work! with Harold McGhee Jr.", hear the powerful stories of individuals who have overcome various struggles and setbacks, paving the way for a life of purpose, freedom, and legacy. Tune in to learn how dedication to doing the work of mental health can rewrite your life's narrative.
Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
Ep. 17 Mentorship's Impact on Marriage and Family
Mentorship plays a vital role in enhancing marriage and family life, as discussed through personal stories and examples. This episode emphasizes the need for relationship mentors and offers guidance on how to seek, initiate, and maintain those connections for mutual growth.
• Importance of mentorship in marriage and parenting
• Personal struggle with early marriage dynamics
• Statistics highlighting the gap in mentorship
• Steps for initiating and maintaining mentorship relationships
• Continuous refinement of goals with mentor support
• Next steps to start your mentorship journey with me as your mentor
Welcome back to Do the Work Podcast, man. It's been a hot minute, but I am excited to be back in the saddle, as they would say, right. So there's a couple of things on my agenda that I want to bring to you. It's good. So, for those of you who've been following me on social media, you already know I appreciate you, and you've probably been seeing some consistent content coming out as far as marriage and family, and so that's what we're going to focus on here. Man, I'm going to give you a little bit of update about what's been going on with me since the last episode. I kind of wish I would have did seasons right, because then I would have been like, hey, we're done with one season and we're going to another season, but nevertheless we're still going to get it done, and so I've been.
Speaker 1:I've been really planning to do something like this for months, really, and I always push it off. Push it off because life happens, things come up has been the request from people who I didn't know was listening to the podcast. That has been like yo, when's the next episode dropping? I'm waiting, I'm anxiously waiting, and so some stuff that's been going on with me. So just a quick overview so that you know where I'm at, and I want to invite you into this journey that I'm going with me. So first things first.
Speaker 1:I started teaching this year as a fifth grade teacher, so that's amazing. I was a sub and an aide. Trying to figure out what I was going to be doing permanently Felt a real strong piece about teaching. I loved it. It was a great fit. I love having summers off and still getting paid. It was great. So I committed to that, which meant that I had to go to school to get a master's of arts and teaching while teaching as a teacher. While I'm doing it and what they call a residency. And so I've been working. I started this past summer taking classes for my master's of arts and teaching as an alternative route to my licensure, and so that's been really good. It's been fun the kids, my classroom, you know. Decorating my classroom with my wife, having my own class, creating that classroom environment has been great, and what I really appreciate about it is that it helps feed into the podcast and do the work, because I focus on doing the work in your marriage and doing the work in your family with your children, and what better way, man, to really get to know what's working in the kids' minds man than being a teacher, because you interact with them every day in the classroom their personalities, their attitudes, the lingo, the trends, the things that's going on, that, the new pressures that they're dealing with um home life, helping them navigate with that. And so it's been a. It's been a real treasure. It's been a real treasure. I won't, I won't, lie to you, it's been a real treasure.
Speaker 1:And on top of that, I'm also uh, recently trans um transitioned over to becoming a chaplain. So I was a logistics officer for 12 to 13 plus years and now I'm transitioning into a chaplaincy. And so with that, back in 2022, I started the process of becoming a chaplain, which meant I had to go to school to get my master's of divinity and pastoral counseling, with a focus on marriage and family counseling. And so, and I and in the meantime, in between, while I've been doing that, I've become certified as a mental health coach as well, with specializations and marriage and family and addiction recovery. So I've been getting all these certifications, I've been getting all this development and all this education, because I believe in lifetime learning Right. And so, as a chaplain, I've been diving into marriage and family counseling, getting certified in programs and building out curriculums and doing things like that. So my schedule has been busy man. I've been counseling people, I've been doing the work in the community with the kids, with my students, and I'm still a youth pastor as well, so that's been in the mix too, and so my life has been pretty hectic. My wife just finished her master's degree this past summer, so she's super excited, and she got her master's in education and literacy, so she's doing her thing, and so it's been really, really, really great journey thus far, but I haven't been putting out the consistent content. So I have a strategy. I'm going to let you know that strategy and I want you to help hold me accountable so that you can celebrate with me.
Speaker 1:Reach that milestone. Okay, so as of today, I am projected to finish my. So, if you didn't catch that in my rambling, I am getting two master's degrees, one in teaching and one in counseling, and so this year 2025, I will be wrapping up my master's in pastoral counseling with marriage and family family, with a specialization in marriage and family, and then next year I'll be wrapping up my um masters and teaching, along with finishing up my um, my residency um and teaching as well, so that I could become a license, a fully um, perfect license, a PEL, professional education, education, professional educator license for Illinois. All right, so right now I have a, like a provisionary or temporary license, so when I finish my schooling and my residency program, which is two years, um, then I get my license. So, with that being said, um, this summer I'm doing an internship, a, a counseling internship for teens and young adults. Right, I'll be counseling teens and young adults every day and I'm really looking forward to that. I think it's going to be really dope, really really good, really educational, and so I'm looking forward to that.
Speaker 1:But in the meantime, I had this idea, right, I was like look, I want to build up a following and my audience around the topic of marriage and family. Right, doing the work in your marriage and doing the work in your home as a parent, you know, as a spouse and as a parent, you know, as a spouse and as a parent. And I, my idea, my, my plan is to consistently put my newsletter and um a weekly video for YouTube, which will also be the same content that's in my newsletter. It just be the newsletter will be written, the podcast would be audio and the uh YouTube video will be video. So it's three um modalities of the same content, basically, and then each day I'll be posting some things driving traffic to those three sources. And so this is the beginning of that, right.
Speaker 1:What better way to get started in January, right? So I got some great things coming up for you guys. I got an awesome marriage ebook that's coming out that's projected to come out on or before Valentine's Day for my couples, all right. And I got some things for our parents, too that my wife and I are working on. That should be out around March timeframe, okay, but we work in full time. We're also pastors. We're also got kids of our own. So no promises, but that's the goal Keep us accountable.
Speaker 1:If it gets too long, you're like, yeah, where's that? So today, what I want to talk? So that's what's been going on. I've been going to school, I've been teaching, I've been getting adjusted to my new roles as a student, with getting two masters first year teacher still balancing chaplaincy with pastoring and teaching, and being a student in grad school and seminary. So with all of that, I'm going to. I'm not going to make more work for myself, I'm going to.
Speaker 1:Actually, I found that as I was going through my schoolwork, a lot of it applies to the content that I would like to cover on the podcast, right? And so, for instance, january is National Mentoring Month, believe it or not, and so I wanted to make a podcast episode about the importance of mentoring and our and your marriage and relationships, right, and that's that's what I'm going to focus on. I'm going to give some talking points with that and, um, I really, I really think you, you, um, will gain a lot from it. I hope you do. And then, um, so I'm taking courses on premarital counseling, marriage, marriage counseling. So I'm taking courses on premarital counseling, marriage, marriage counseling, counseling women, a couple of other things. I've taken courses on some a lot of theology courses that frame my worldview. I can apply that in a context of a podcast and a newsletter and a video that will help grow my audience by giving you valuable content that is biblically sound and yet evidence based, and stuff that just works, man, it just works. So that's the plan. I hope you enjoy it.
Speaker 1:If you didn't like that last update, then you could just fast forward to the meat of this video, which is how mentoring can change your marriage and also your life. Okay, so let's just jump into it. I have a couple of talking points that I'm going to go through and then I'm just have a conversation with you and I hope by the end of this video you'll be encouraged to make sure that you have relationship mentors in your life as well. All right, and so the first. So let's just be honest, I'm just going to give you a quick glimpse.
Speaker 1:The first, the first three years of my marriage were the worst. My wife could tell you that they were the absolute worst. I was physically present but emotionally absent. And my kids? They barely saw me because, in my mind, working hard to provide for them, little rascals, no matter the cost, made me a good father. At least that's what I thought, right, and I didn't know any other way. I thought that, as long as they had what they needed as children, that I was been a good father and I was there and I was providing for them and I didn't have role models for marriage or parenting.
Speaker 1:My father was married to another woman when he had my brother and I and with my mom, and their relationship was a mess. You know, there was a domestic violence, there was emotional abuse. There was verbal abuse, there were all type of things on both sides, and so I figured, as long as I'm doing better than that, I'm killing it. You know what I'm saying? I feel, as long as I'm one step better or one step further than what my, than what I saw in my own parents, that I figured you know I'm doing a good thing. But I wasn't. I wasn't and I didn't know that I wasn't, until there was someone who came in my life to show me that, and so I didn't. I didn't see it. I didn't see it at the time, but my marriage was crumbling and my kids needed me to be more than a paycheck to them, and so that's that's what I learned.
Speaker 1:And so that's when I learned that being there for your family isn't just about providing as a man, as a husband, it's not just about providing, it's about showing up. And no one teaches you how to show up. No one. You're not born knowing how to show up. You don't get married knowing how to show up unless two things happen unless you have some really good premarital counseling, or if you have mentors marriage and relationship mentors that you can look up to and so mentorship was a turning point for me can look up to, and so mentorship was the turning point for me and that's what I wanted to spend time talking to you about in this video and on this podcast is that my mentor Dale. He changed my life. He didn't just give me advice, he pushed me to become the husband and the father that my family needed.
Speaker 1:And Dale helped me to see that my greatest mission, my greatest ministry, my greatest impact starts in my home. It starts at home, and he challenged me. He challenged me to be intentional in my marriage and he challenged me to connect with my kids in a way that I never knew how to do, if that makes sense. And so he challenged me in those areas and he redefined what it means to lead my family. He redefined it because what I was doing, I thought was good, but what I was doing was just surviving. My whole childhood, growing up, was about survival and my parents doing what they could to give us what we had. And I wasn't just, and it wasn't just Dale. You know, over the years, other mentors have guided me through challenges, helping me to grow as a man, helping me to grow as a husband and a father. They showed me that success at home matters more than anything else that I could do as a husband and as a father. If I can succeed at home, then I can succeed anywhere, and that's why mentorship is essential.
Speaker 1:Mentorship isn't a luxury. I tell people all the time mentorship isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. In the church world we will call that discipleship, and discipleship is not a luxury, it's a necessity. Just like Jesus had his disciples, his 12 disciples, that he showed the blueprint to, that he put on game. That's the same thing. We need people to give us the cheat code.
Speaker 1:And if you don't have that, let me give you a couple of statistics. Let me give you some statistics to help you out. Did you know that 76% of people agree that mentors are important, but only 37% have one? So I'm thinking about the gap, and it's usually three things. It's usually a fear of asking, because we don't. What if they say no? We don't want to get rejected, you know, because we haven't had mentors to show us how to lean into rejection and fell forward. So we don't. What if they say no? We have a fear of asking. And then there's uncertainty. What do I even? Where do I even find a mentor? How do I steward a mentor relationship, so there's all this uncertainty around it that you don't have or that you have that keeps you from getting a mentor. And then the last thing was kind of what I've already alluded to was, or is, the lack of know-how. How do I maintain the relationship once I do find a mentor, once someone does say, okay, I will give you the cheat code, I'll show you the blueprint I'll put you on, because mentorship is about more than advice. It's about having someone in your corner who can guide you and your thoughts through the challenges of marriage and parenting, someone who's already walked the path and can light the way for you.
Speaker 1:I tell people all the time if you find yourself a marriage mentor or someone to counsel, you make sure they've been in the thing more than 10 years, because it takes about 10 years to really get your footing in this thing. You know what I'm saying and I know everybody's journey is different, but everybody's journey takes time, man, and you need people who are experienced. When I was in the I'm still in the military, but when my military mentors, it was always a rank or two above me, because you just need someone who's a couple steps ahead of you so they can show you and they have fresh in their mind how they got there. And they can show you what they did and keep you from making those same mistakes. Because the benefits of mentorship, especially in the marriage and relationship capacity, is innumerable.
Speaker 1:Mentors don't just guide, they transform. And just like the story I told you about my mentor and my relationship and my parenting with Dale, the same can happen to you, because they save you time. You avoid years of mistakes by learning from someone who's already been where you are, so you save yourself time. Number two they push you to grow. Sometimes it's uncomfortable when you're in a mentorship relationship, because mentors hold you accountable. Mentors challenge you to reach your potential. That's what they're there for. That's why you ask them to mentor you. They know that you can do it. You're being lazy, you're being complacent, you're being lethargic or apathetic, but they push you to do bad. They push you to do the work. And number three they bring clarity, because with their guidance, you'll set meaningful goals that align with your values and priorities. They bring clarity.
Speaker 1:Nothing's better than calling up a mentor and say, hey, can I bounce some things off of you, just as let me know what you think, because they have experience, life experience and time doing what you are trying to do, and they've been where you've been and they can help avoid the pitfalls and mistakes before you even get there. Imagine having someone in your corner dedicated to helping you succeed in your marriage and parenting. That's the power of mentorship. That's the type of resource that I'm talking about, because mentorship there's a blueprint to mentorship. If you're really ready to find a mentor who can help you transform your marriage, parenting and personal growth, here's the plan that I submit to you to follow. Here's the plan. There's four steps to this plan and it's very simple.
Speaker 1:Number one ask for the first meeting. Fear of rejection keeps many people stuck, but we worry about what others might think or whether they're going to say no. But here's the thing, here's the truth. Most mentors are honored. To help someone who values their expertise and experience, start by identifying someone you, who you respect, in your community, in your church, your workplace or even online. This person doesn't need to have all the answers. All they need to do is be a little further along than you are, but they should possess qualities, knowledge and skills that you admire and aspire to have yourself or emulate yourself. And so, when you're reaching out, be specific. Be specific about why you're reaching out, why you're seeking their guidance or mentorship, and then like, for example, if I admire if you say I admire how you've built a strong family while balancing your career and I love to learn from your experience that's it. Keep it simple, keep it sincere and even if you can't commit even if they can't commit, they might point you to someone who can, because they see that you're being sincere and that you've asked for the first meeting.
Speaker 1:Number two, advocate for the relationship you got. You got to. I'm not saying fight like to the nail, like ride or die, but you have to show that you really appreciate the relationship. Once you've secured the first meeting, the key is to build trust and connection. Start by sharing your story what brought you to this point, what challenges are you facing and where would you like to grow? Be authentic and vulnerable. Mentors value honesty and over perfection, because when you come to someone who you want to mentor and you act like you got it all together, the first thing we're going to think is like what you need me for then? What you need me for then, if you got all the answers you know. So focus on listening during these early conversations, ask thoughtful questions about their journey, how they overcame similar challenges and what lessons they've learned.
Speaker 1:It isn't about gathering advice. It's about understanding their perspective and building a rapport with them so that you can grow and see if you guys have making a connection or not, seeing if you click, seeing if it's a good fit for you and for them making a connection or not, seeing if you click, seeing if it's a good fit for you and for them. And as the relationship progresses, don't be afraid to dive deeper. Show your goals or share your goals about your marriage and your family life. Invite them into your process. Let them see how you're dealing with things and what advice they can give you. This isn't a one-way street, what advice they can give you. This isn't a one way street. Like mentors appreciate seeing how their guidance is making an impact and a difference. So when you invite us into the process, it's easier for us and we and it helps motivate us to stick with you, even if you're not succeeding in the beginning, all right. So advocate for the relationship. Number three maintain the relationship. So you got to ask for the first meeting, you got to advocate for that relationship and then, once you have it, maintain it.
Speaker 1:The most effective mentorships are built on mutual respect and consistent communication. It's not enough to meet once and then disappear. Nah, man, this is an ongoing thing. So you got to show your mentor that their time and the input matter by staying in touch regularly. You just don't disappear and just call them up whenever you're going through something. Ah man, she about to leave again. Bro, can you talk to me what I'm supposed to do? No, you need to be ongoing when things are going good as well as when they're going bad, because that builds that relationship and the more trust and the more rapport you have, the the easier it's going to be when, when the conversations get tough. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:So, whether it's a win, a challenge or even a failure, you're working through it. For example, if you're implemented, if you're implementing the advice that they give you and about spending quality time with your spouse or being more present with your, with your kids, then let them know how it's going. Hey, man, you told me to spend more time with him. I'm trying, but I just I don't feel like it's they just. Every time I'm with them, they just getting on my nerves, you know.
Speaker 1:So gratitude goes a long way in maintaining the relationship, and a heartfelt thank you or a note or a message, even a text message after a meaningful conversation, can strengthen the relationship. If they give you some advice and you're like yo, this is real good, I'm doing it right now and it's working like crazy good, celebrate those milestones together. Acknowledge their role in your growth. Don't take their advice and act like they didn't give it to you. Remember, mentorship is a partnership and both sides benefit from the connection, so maintain it. Be grateful. Let them know how's it going. You know they shouldn't be always calling you and asking you how things are going. If you're the one that wanted to be mentored, you know. And then the last thing is you know, keep refining your goals.
Speaker 1:One of the biggest mistakes that people make is treating goals as a fixed destination, and it's not. Your mentor Isn't there to hand you a perfect roadmap of ABC, b, c and D, and then you're going to get one, two and three. No, they're there. We are there to help you navigate your journey, which will evolve over time. I know mine has. So you have to regularly revisit your goals and assess whether they still align with your values and priorities, for example, and assess whether they still align with your values and priorities. For example, your initial goal might be improving communication with your spouse. That's an obvious one, a big one and once you make progress, you might shift your focus to building a stronger relationship with your children. You're, like me and wifey, good man we better than we ever been. So let me now focus on these rascals. You know what I'm saying. Let me focus on my children. Let me, let me build a loving, cherished relationship with them, like I built with their mother or their father, you know. So discuss these shifts with your mentor. Their guidance can keep you and help you identify that new challenge or opportunities that you might not have even considered. They may not have even mentioned something that you should be working on because you are, because you're focused on working on something that's more important. So this interactive process of goal setting and refinement keeps the relationship dynamic and relevant and showing that you're always growing and progressing in the right direction in your relationship and with your family.
Speaker 1:My invitation, or my suggestion, is that you don't have to navigate your marriage and parenting or personal growth alone. You don't have to do it, and here's how you can. You can start. So you may be thinking, all right, harold, I get it. Mentorship is important. People do it in the business world, people do it in the church, people do it in the corporate setting, whether it be school or organization that you're, that you're working in. But mentorship is an important thing and I personally believe your marriage is one of the most important relationships that you will ever have. But yet you will have a mentor for your job. You have a mentor for, uh, your, your. You'll have a mentor in your schooling, but you won't have a mentor for your marriage. You'll have a mentor for your personal growth and development, but you won't have a mentor to how to love each other, right, how to stay committed when things get tough. So that's crazy, right. So I want to be that for you until you find the person that's the perfect fit, whether that's me, someone else or.
Speaker 1:However, and here's how you can start, as I alluded to earlier, do the Work podcast is committed to putting out content that's going to help your marriage thrive. You're going to get weekly insight and strategies to build a thriving marriage and family and, along with that, the newsletter, the podcast, the YouTube channel. These are things that you can consume. That's going to help you go in the right direction. But until you find someone who you can confide in on an intimate level, who you can go to when you're frustrated, who you can bounce ideas off of when you want to go on another venture, on a different direction, until you get that, these things that I'm putting out weekly is going to help you do that. And so mentorship. Like I said, mentorship changed my life, man. It changed my life. It took me from being an absent and disconnected father to leading my family with purpose and love. I'm telling you I was all about work and making money so that they can be comfortable, or what I thought was comfortable, but now I'm learning to be balanced because of the power of mentorship in my life.
Speaker 1:And if you're ready to break free from cycles of stress and overwhelm, then take the step. Invite someone who you look up to, who you admire, to show you how to have the marriage and the family that you've always wanted. Your thriving family starts with one decision finding a mentor, and we can do that together. We can work together until that happens. I can, I could be a mentor in the capacity of the content, but I'm also open to being a mentor and the capacity of building that relationship together, because we all have busy lives, we all have things that consume our time and we all have excuses that we can make, but when it comes to your relationships, when it comes to your family, that should not be one of the things that you don't have time for.
Speaker 1:That should not be one of the things that you don't have someone that you are modeling, actively modeling after, and if you're not, then you just winging it. And how committed to your marriage are you If all you're doing is winging it? All right, so meet me back here next week for another episode of do the work so you can continue to grow in your marriage and grow in your family. Until then, I'm out, guys.