Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
In "Do The Work! with Harold McGhee Jr.", hear the powerful stories of individuals who have overcome various struggles and setbacks, paving the way for a life of purpose, freedom, and legacy. Tune in to learn how dedication to doing the work of mental health can rewrite your life's narrative.
Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
Ep. 18 The Exhaustion Economy: Why Chasing Approval is Burning You Out
External validation keeps us trapped in cycles of performance that obscure our true identity and exhaust us spiritually, emotionally, and physically. We're learning to rediscover who God created us to be by breaking free from people-pleasing and returning to our authentic selves.
• Trading authenticity for attachment teaches us to perform for love rather than receiving it freely
• Spiritualized people-pleasing in faith communities isn't service—it's survival motivated by fear
• Validation-seeking compromises your calling, cements your mask, and silences the Holy Spirit
• Self-reflection helps you discover who you are when not performing
• Returning to God's narrative replaces toxic labels with biblical truth about your identity
• Practicing graceful "no's" protects your boundaries and creates space for purposeful "yes"
• Healing your inner child with compassion addresses the root of performance addiction
• Disconnecting from digital stimulation creates space to reconnect with God and yourself
• Stop chasing validation from people who didn't die for you—only Jesus did that
What's going on. So this, these next two episodes, are going to be special episodes. All right, they are episodes that I wrote and recorded in March, but life was life and I didn't get able to, didn't get a chance to put them out. So you might be listening to this in April or you might be listening to this some other time, but these next two episodes are specifically for women, in honor of Women's History Month, but they're also for men, to understand women too. So a lot of this material I pulled from some coursework that I was doing and counseling women, course that I'm taking as part of my degree, and so, without further ado, let's jump into it. So what I want to talk to you about is why, ladies, ladies, ladies, ok, what I want to talk to you about is why you should stop chasing external validation, and this is going to be your guide for women who are tired of performing, all right. So, okay, ladies, let's get into it. Let me begin with a question. All right, let me begin with a question, and that question is simply this who are you when no one is watching? That's a deep question. Who are you when no one is watching? Who are you when no one is watching, not the woman who care, who curates her life for others, not the woman who plays the role everyone expects her to play, not the woman who's tired but still smiling, but the you underneath all of that. Who are you when no one is watching? Because, you see, I've spoken to women from every walk of life, from mothers to female soldiers, pastors, wives, teachers, business leaders, entrepreneurs and, yes, even young girls still figuring out their place in the world. And many of them have one thing in common they're exhausted. That's right, they're exhausted. It may come as no surprise, but they're exhausted, and not because they're weak no, not because they're because they lack drive Absolutely not but because they've. They're running on the fumes of external validation, and it's not a sustainable fuel. That's why they're tired, and they're tired because they've fallen into the trap, because from childhood, we learned that being accepted means being good, being useful, being agreeable. That's what we teach our young girls, that's what we teach them growing up is that if you want to be respectful, if you want to be accepted, you have to be good, you have to be useful, you have to be agreeable. So we adapt, we perform, we shape, shift. So to say, you become, you adapt, you perform, you shape, shift, so to say. You become the good girl, the strong woman, the selfless, one right. Selfless, one right, until one day you wake up and realize you don't know who you are anymore. And that's where a lot of women find themselves and that's what motivated me to create and write this episode.
Speaker 1:And, if you're being honest, especially in faith communities, especially in our churches, we often spiritualize our people, pleasing tendencies. We call it serving others, being kind or laying down our lives. Right. But let's be clear. Let's be very, very clear Saying yes out of fear isn't service, it's survival, and that's what it is. That's what it comes down to. It's service and survival.
Speaker 1:Okay, and now, when you think about that and when you think about okay, paul said in Galatians 1 and 10, okay, he said in Galatians 1 10 that I am now trying to win the approval of man or of God. Am I now trying to win the approval of man or of God? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. That's's what Paul says and that's not a suggestion, that's a warning. Okay, that is a clear, that is a. That is a clear warning to all of us. It's a clear warning, and if we're not intentional about what I'm about to show you, share with you next, about what I'm about to show you, share with you next, that can become our downfall. And so the thing that we need to do is the child, the inner child, is still performing and that's why we are exhausted, that's why you are exhausted. That inner child in you is still performing. See Dr Gabor Mate, and I don't agree with all of his teaching and research, but he's a trauma expert and a physician and he shares that.
Speaker 1:Many of us learn to trade authenticity for attachment, and when love felt conditional, we adapted in order to stay connected. Why? Because connection felt like survival. We didn't want to let go of that connection, so we adjusted. And so what does that look like now? What that looks like now is that you say yes even when you mean no. What that looks like now is that you shrink your voice so others feel comfortable. What that looks like is that you wait for someone else to affirm you before you believe it for yourself, and you already know it's true, but you wait to hear it from someone else. So, in essence, you are outsourcing your identity. Do you hear that you are outsourcing your identity when you are chasing the approval of others, and the longer you do that, the harder it becomes to hear the voice of God through the noise of other people's opinion.
Speaker 1:But, friend, sister, lady, the you that God created didn't need to perform to be loved, so she just needed to be seen. And let me say that again. I'm going to say that again the you that God created didn't need to perform to be loved. You that God created didn't need to perform to be loved, she just needed to be seen. You just needed to be seen. And here's the danger. The danger, remember I said Paul gave us a warning. Here's the danger of living for likes over, living for legacy.
Speaker 1:And when you live for external validation, when you live to please others, three things happen. The first thing is that you compromise your calling, harold. What do you mean by that? See, god didn't call you to please people. He called you to walk in purpose, and sometimes purpose offends people who benefit from your silence. Oh, that was good. I'm gonna say that one more time. I said God didn't call you to please people. He called you, yes, you, he called you to walk in purpose and sometimes, when you're obedient and your purpose. It will offend people who benefit from your silence.
Speaker 1:Number two you wear a mask so long that it starts that it sticks and you start to believe it. I think of the movie mass with with Jim Carrey, and he was had that mask on that turned him green and his whole personality changed. His whole persona changed and and and at some point he had it on so long that he couldn't take it off. And that's what happens. When we pretend to be someone that we're not, to get the approval and the validation of other people, you start believing the role that you play is who you are and you can't be free while pretending it's impossible. You cannot be free while you're still pretending to be someone else. So don't do it.
Speaker 1:Number three what happens is that you silence the voice of the Holy Spirit inside of you. Is that you silence the voice of the Holy Spirit inside of you. When you're constantly tuned into other people's expectations and opinions, you tune out the whisper of God, that still small voice that's trying to lead you and guide you, because the voice of others has become louder, all right, and Romans 12, 2 reminds us by saying that do not be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Yet chasing validation is conformity. At its core is editing yourself to be accepted, and God did not create you to do that. He says. Be transformed by the renewing of your mind and do not conform to this world. And so to do that, you have to rediscover the you that God sees. God, god sees. Breaking free from performance and returning to your true identity in Christ is levels to that.
Speaker 1:So how do you? How do you stop performing? How do you stop performing and start healing? Because if you've worn a mask so long, it has become you, it has become a part of you, and it takes a healing process to get rid of that and rediscover that real you. And the answer isn't hustle, the answer isn't hiding. It's not another self-help checklist or crash course in productivity. No, it's an invitation. An invitation to what? To wholeness, to presence, to the God who sees you not the version that you pretend to be, but the you that he formed before the foundations of the world, as he says in Jeremiah 1.5. And it starts with five deeply biblical and research-supported practices. And what do I mean by that? And so these five steps that I'm going to give you? I'm going to give you some research and some biblical reference to help you out, because, at the core of who I am, I am trauma-informed and trained in mental health, but I have a biblical worldview, okay, and so the first thing you need to do is you need to ask yourself who am I when I'm not performing? The question that I started with is the first step to your healing.
Speaker 1:This is not a surface level question either. It's a spiritual excavation, so to say, because research from the Institute for Study of Human Flourishing at the University of Oklahoma found that self-reflection leads to increased life satisfaction, emotional intelligence and resilience, but only when it is rooted in self-compassion and curiosity. And so if it's rooted in self-compassion and curiosity, it cannot be rooted in judgment, because in Romans 12, 3, paul writes that do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment. So be real, reflect on who you are, but be honest and real about it. This isn't a call to self-loathing, no, it's an invitation to look inward with truth, but with grace.
Speaker 1:So what does that look like? Practically, all right. So, practically, what you would do is you would sit in silence or stillness and ask the Holy Spirit who have I become to survive and who did you create me to be? Ask yourself that and then wait on the Lord and see what he says to your heart, to your spirit. You can even journal if that helps you. And while you're journaling, I want you to journal answers that come without overthinking. Let your spirit speak before fear shuts it down. Let it do that.
Speaker 1:And if you're still having trouble journaling what the what the Lord is telling you, use some prompts like these, some prompts that I've offered people is when do I feel most alive? When did you feel most alive? What am I always apologizing for, even when I shouldn't be? That's a good one. Or how about this one? What lies have I accepted to keep the peace because I was afraid of confrontation? Those are all good prompts that you can use as you step out. And why do I suggest that you ask yourself that question? Because this you can't love a self. You can't love self. You can't love a self. You can't love self. You can't love a self that you've never met. I'm going to say that again you cannot love a self that you've never met.
Speaker 1:Knowing who you are outside of performance is the beginning of your restoration. So you have to rediscover the real you before you start performing for others. Okay, before you started performing for others. Who was the real you? It may have been so long since you've seen her, but we need to bring her back, all right.
Speaker 1:Number two you need to return to God's narrative. What do I mean by that? You are not what others labeled you as you are, not your past, your abuse, what others labeled you as you are not your past, your abuse, your accolades or even your aesthetics. You are not how many people approve of you. No, you are who God says you are. Psalms 139, 14 says I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know them full well, are very well. And then again, in Ephesians 2.10, he declares that. For we know we are God's masterpiece. We are God's masterpiece he was. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus so that we can do good things he planned for us long ago. That's what it means, because trauma and toxic systems trauma and toxic systems rewrite your narrative to keep you small and dependent, but the word of God restores your true story. So that's why you have to return to God's narrative.
Speaker 1:And what does that look like practically? You could start by declaring scripture over yourself out loud. Speak God's truth until your heart begins to believe it. Yes, pray over yourself, speak over yourself. Use the word of God In discipleship. I tell people, I tell my disciples, to memorize 1 Peter 2.9, galatians 2.20, 2 Corinthians 5.17, and even Isaiah 43.1. Memorize these scriptures so that when that you who wants to perform starts to creep up, you can counter it with those scriptures. With those scriptures, and you could even go as far as creating a God says I am board or God says I am wall, and replace every toxic label that you've received with the truth from scripture with whatever it takes to get back to God's narrative for your life. Because the fact of the matter is, the enemy cannot steal what you protect with truth. I'm going to say that again the enemy cannot steal with you what you protect with truth.
Speaker 1:Your identity in Christ isn't something to discover. No, you're not finding yourself or discovering yourself. No, it's something that you're returning to. You've already been that. He created it in you before you even was birthed out of your mother's womb. You just lost your way as you began to learn to perform for approval and attachment. So you got to get back to what he created you to be, get back to his narrative. Number three you have to begin practicing graceful no's, graceful no's, because performing addiction thrives in people pleasing. And people pleasing is not Christ-like humility, it's not. It's fear dressed in kindness. I tell the people all this all the time what is people pleasing? People pleasing is fear dressed in kindness. Don't mistaken it for a Christ-like humility. It's just fear dressed in kindness, because you're pleasing other for fear of being disliked or disapproved by them.
Speaker 1:But Jesus, our Savior, our Shepherd, our Servant, he said no all the time. He said no all the time, no all the time when? Give you a couple examples and Luke 5, 16,. He says no to the crowd. And John 6, 15, he says no to premature promotion. He says nah, I'm not ready for that. And Luke 13, verses 31 through 32, he said no to manipulative leaders. He said nah. And in Matthew 16, verse 23, he said no to his own friends. When the mission was at stake, he was like, nah, we got to stick to the mission.
Speaker 1:Saying no doesn't make you rebellious. People want to make you think that when you say no, you're being rebellious. No, a graceful no, makes you obedient when that no protects your calling, your peace and your body. That's what saying no does. It's obedience, because it protects you. So what does this look like practically? I love, I love to get practical. Uh, help you, help people practically.
Speaker 1:You need to practice saying, hey, let me sleep on it and I'll get back at you. I'll get back with you. I do that all the time, you, because here's what I've learned, here's what I learned when you don't, we don't owe anyone an immediate yes. You have to just be real with that. You don't owe anyone an immediate yes unless in the situation calls for it, if it's important, if it's a boss, if it's an employer and they, like I, need an answer right now. That's why I'm paying you, that's why so. But when it just comes to relationships, you don't owe anyone an immediate yes.
Speaker 1:So use your journal to clarify what do I feel called to say no to in this season, but I've still been afraid to do it. Be real, like God. What am I supposed to be saying no to? But I'm too afraid to say no, because if you create a sacred boundary that says here's what I call a sacred boundary statement, and a sacred boundary statement could be something like I honor God by honoring the space that he gave me to rest and discern, and for me, that space is to sleep on it. I'm going to sleep on it because when I rest, when I'm resting, I can discern clearly. When I feel rushed and hasty and have to hurry up and make a decision, that's when I'm making mistakes. You know what I'm saying. I'm doing things because I feel pressured to, because boundaries are not about keeping people out. No, they're about keeping you whole, and I have and I've, I love sharing that with people. Your boundaries is not to keep people out, it's to keep you whole, because every no that you say in obedience creates space for a more powerful yes. Remember that Every no that you say creates space for more powerful yes, all right. And so here's here's here's number four. We have five. Here's number four Heal your inner child with compassion.
Speaker 1:Heal your inner child with compassion Remember I said that that that that inner child in you is still performing, because performance isn't just a habit, it's a survival mechanism and the mechanism that we often learned in childhood. The child in you who learned to earn love, the child in you who learned to silence her voice. She's not in rebellion. She's wounded. And because she's wounded we have to heal the inner child with compassion.
Speaker 1:Dr Kurt Thompson, who's a Christian psychiatrist and author of the book the Soul of Shame and he explains that shame often originates in early relationships and persist when left unspoken. He says that. In fact, in his book he says we all come into the world looking for someone. I'm sorry, let me get that right. We all come into the world looking for someone, looking for us. That's what I mean. We come into the world looking for someone looking for us. That's what I mean. We come into the world looking for someone who is looking for us and we remain in that search for the rest of our lives. Man, that's powerful.
Speaker 1:Jesus said that he's still looking for you, the whole you, even the parts that you've disowned. He's looking for you. And how does that look practically? How do you heal your inner child with compassion practically? Here's just a few steps that you can start with. You can look at childhood photos of yourself and then say to that child version of you you were always loved and you were always seen. Version of you, you were always loved and you were always seen. I've been praying for people and the Holy Spirit just whispers and says tell them that they were always loved and they were always seen, and it just does something to minister to that inner child inside of you. Another thing that you can do is you can write a letter to your younger self from the perspective of God's heart. You think about it, the letter is addressed to the younger self, and then you allow God to pin that letter through you of what he felt. And it's therapeutic because as you're writing to your younger self, you're also living out that healing, and so the best way to do that that I've seen and found is to invite Jesus into your childhood memories through prayer. Simply ask God where are you in this situation? And then wait, I've done this myself.
Speaker 1:When I was going through my healing journey and I learned this technique, I remember I had a memory of my mom and my brother and I getting evicted out of the Harrison Home Projects in Peoria, illinois, and that was a very difficult memory for me and I had to ask to get healing in that area because from that moment on I had to mature and to perform, to not be or feel rejected or abandoned or anything like that. And so I asked the Lord what was you in that situation? Because that hurt, that scarred me, that changed the trajectory of my childhood. And as I asked the Lord that and I waited I sensed in my spirit. The Lord said in that memory, and I'm there, it's vivid, I'm picturing it.
Speaker 1:And the Holy Spirit says look at your mother. And I look at my mom. And I never paid my mom any attention. And every time I relive this memory because it was my memory. I focused on how I was feeling, how I was acting, how I was responding. But then the Holy Spirit said look at your mother. And I looked at my mom and there was a resolve on her face, because I never remember my mom crying in that moment. She may have cried many tears afterwards, but in that moment there was a silent strength in her. And the Holy Spirit whispered to me and says I was giving your mother strength and power to speak life into her sons and to take the next step to get you all out of that situation. And I'm like whoa, I'm self-centered, right, I'm thinking about myself, I'm not thinking about my mom and my brother. And this memory. He says look at your mom, I was there, I was helping her, I was preparing her. I was giving her wisdom and insight. The words that she says stuck to you because I remember my mom told me I love you and God loves you and nobody can take that away from us. And I was like yo, okay, and in my adult self I'm thinking of Isaiah 61, one that says he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captive and to release the prisoners from darkness. That's what I'm thinking of now. That's where he was at in that situation. It may be different for you, but ask him, lord, where was you at in this situation? Where was you at in this memory? And you'd be surprised what he says and that will create momentum and movement towards your healing journey.
Speaker 1:So why is it important that you heal your inner child? Because healing your inner child isn't indulgent, it's holy, because every unhealed part of you, it still affects how you relate to God and other people. It still, it still has remnants of that. So you have to heal that inner child. Okay, and all right, we, we, we.
Speaker 1:Finally, to number five, and number five is a is a simple one You've probably heard it before, but it's so, so good. And number five is you have to disconnect to reconnect. All right, you have to disconnect to reconnect. You know, we were not as people, as humans. We were not created to be accessible 24 seven, as some person put it. We're not created to always be on or always feel like we have to be on. We were not made to live for likes, followers or curated performance. No, you were made for communion, our fellowship, our community with God and others.
Speaker 1:And digital overstimulation fractures our nervous systems, it dulls your discernment and it amplifies insecurity. So you have to learn that silence is not empty. It's sacred because Jesus regularly withdrew himself from the crowd to connect with his father. You could read about it in Luke 5, verse 16, when he went off to be alone with the father, he practiced divine detachment so that he could reenter his mission from a place of clarity and intimacy. All right, so what does that look like for you?
Speaker 1:My suggestion for you is to just start by creating a 24 or scheduling a 24 hour digital Sabbath where you have no social media, no content, no notifications. You just detach from it all, and that you let just your body, your mind, your emotions. Let it rest from being overstimulated from all the media outlets. Emotions let it rest from being overstimulated from all the media outlets. And then, if you're a Christian, you need a morning devotion time before the world speaks to you. You got to let God speak to you first, and so that's something that's a necessity in your life. And then, finally, oftentimes it's good if you replace scrolling with silence.
Speaker 1:When you're tempted to scroll, just sit in silence and listen and see what the Lord would have to say, or just take a deep breath and take a break. Man, you've been on all day nonstop. Let it go for a little bit, because you cannot rediscover who you are if you're constantly absorbing who everyone else says you should be. Solitude isn't a withdrawal. It's a return to the garden where God walked with you in the cool of the day. It's not a withdrawal, it's a return, because rediscovering the you that God sees, it's not a rebrand, it's not self-help, it's not a weekend transformation or whatever. No, it's a return, a return to Eden, to identity, to the image of God that was never destroyed. It was just buried under survival and shame and striving. So stop performing and start returning. All right, because let the mask fall, let the voice of the crowd fade, let God name you again.
Speaker 1:In Mark, chapter 1, verse 11, speak this over yourself. You are my daughter, whom I love With you, I am well pleased. He said he was speaking to God. He says you are my son, whom I, whom I love with you. I am well pleased. But take, take that and speak it over yourself. You are his daughter. He was speaking to jesus saying you are my son, but you say it over yourself Because he said that before you were, before you did anything, before jesus did anything, the lord said that to him and he still says it now. You're loved, you're chosen. Before Jesus did anything, the Lord said that to him and he still says it now. You're loved, you're chosen and you're enough because he is All right. So take it from someone who knows All right, I'm a husband, I'm a father, I'm a chaplain in the army, I'm a fifth grade teacher, a marriage and family pastoral counselor. And I'll be real with you.
Speaker 1:As you already heard, I've wrestled with the fear of disappointing others, but the day that I decided to stop performing, the day that I chose presence over performance, that's the day that I began to walk in peace. That's the day that I began to walk in my authentic self. It's not about becoming someone new. No, you're not brand new, you're not someone new. It's about returning to who you were before. Fear told you to hide. Your fear told you to hide. So here's my plea to you Stop chasing validation from people who didn't die for you. Only Jesus did that. Only Jesus died for you. And on that cross he didn't say try harder, no, he said it is finished. So let that be enough for you today. It is finished. Be you. Be you, boo boo. And if you know someone who's who's tired of performing to for this podcast tool, it might. It's a shameless plug, I know, but it might be the reminder that they're praying for no-transcript.