Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
In "Do The Work! with Harold McGhee Jr.", hear the powerful stories of individuals who have overcome various struggles and setbacks, paving the way for a life of purpose, freedom, and legacy. Tune in to learn how dedication to doing the work of mental health can rewrite your life's narrative.
Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
Ep. 19 The Power of Telling Your Story: How Specific Details Lead to Breakthrough
The moment a woman begins sharing the specific details of her abuse or trauma—not just abstract feelings, but vivid sensory memories, exact phrases her abuser used, or the particular scriptures weaponized against her—something powerful happens. For every woman listening who's experienced similar trauma, these details become the first crack in the trance that has kept her captive.
Drawing from neuroscience research, pastoral counseling experience, and scriptural insights, this episode explores why healing comes through the specificity of our stories. When trauma lodges in our bodies and distorts our perception, it's not enough to understand abuse intellectually—we need to identify with others who've walked similar paths and found freedom.
Trauma doesn't just destroy safety; it convinces victims that wrong is right, that abuse is love, that silence is holiness, and—most destructively—that they themselves are the problem. This distortion becomes particularly dangerous in religious contexts where scripture becomes twisted into a tool of control. Many survivors had an initial sense that something was wrong but were systematically trained to ignore their own discernment.
The pathway toward healing includes three foundational steps: journaling your story with complete honesty and detail, naming the specific lies taught in God's name, and finding safe community where your truth can be witnessed and validated. Through these practices, survivors can reclaim not just their voices but their relationship with God and themselves.
Your detailed testimony isn't just therapy—it's a flashlight illuminating someone else's darkness. Every vivid memory you bring to light becomes an invitation for another woman to realize she's not crazy and she's not alone. Your healing journey isn't just personal restoration; it's an act of sacred resistance against systems of oppression that thrive when pain is spiritualized and silence is moralized.
All right, I am super excited about this one. Y'all. I'm super excited about this episode. And this episode I'm going to just jump right into it because it's some meat. I'm telling you right now it's some meat and I've gone with the title Healing is in the Details. Healing is in the Details and it's going to be talking about how specifics of a story can break chains and set captives free.
Speaker 1:I was listening to a podcast and it was about abuse and surviving abuse and the lady said she was at a conference and another abuse survivor was sharing her story and she was recounting it in detail and showing and sharing how it happened and how she fell into it and how she got stuck in the cycle of it and how she broke free and why the scales was lifted. And she was sharing that. As the lady shared details, it awakened something in her to allow her to get free too. And now she was telling her story and I was like, wow, healing is in the details. And so I just wrote a whole podcast about it. And this episode is also for my ladies. I wrote a paper for my class Counseling Women, also for my ladies. I wrote a paper for my class Counseling Women and it was talking, and my paper was on the subject of intimate betrayal trauma intimate betrayal trauma and I wanted to do something along those lines, and so I took some information from that and I got some more stuff coming for you, and so this is another episode in honor of Women's History Month in March, even though I'm posting it well after that. But hey, I love to support and to minister to and to see women of God grow tremendously, and even if you're not a woman of the Christian faith, you still deserve freedom and growth and healing, right and so. And do the work podcast man. We want to help everybody you know as, and growth and healing, right and so. And Do the Work podcast man. We want to help everybody you know. As a marriage and family counselor, I want to help everybody too. Right? So, sister, listen, listen, sisters, ladies, let's get started. Let's jump into this Now.
Speaker 1:There's a moment that I often witness in my work as a marriage and family pastoral counselor, and whether I'm sitting across from a brave woman sharing her story for the first time with my wife and I, or if we're counseling a weary soul in ministry, or listening even as a teacher, if I'm listening to a fifth grader or if I'm, as a youth pastor, listening my wife and I listening to a young lady confess something, with shaking hands, the moment her voice starts to tremble, but she keeps going, she keeps going and then she says something specific, not general, not abstract, not Christianized version of her truth, but a detail, a sentence, a smell, a sound, a phrase he said, a scripture that he used. The way her stomach dropped when she heard keys in the door, the shame that she felt every time she was told that she wasn't honoring God by setting boundaries. And it's in that detail that the breakthrough happens. And that breakthrough happens not just for her but for every other woman listening. I've been in conferences and a lady sharing her testimony, and I'm looking around and I see these women just weeping as they're getting their healing and their breakthrough by hearing hers, even the ones still living in it. It's true. And so there's power in a specific story and a detailed story Right. And so, in that, in that power, neuroscience tells us something very powerful about, about stories Right. And what it tells us is that, when you look up, when you look at the, the, the neuroscience of, of details, right, neuroscience of details right. Neuroscience of stories right. What it tells us is that we don't heal from what we understand. We don't heal from what we understand, we heal from what we identify with.
Speaker 1:And according to Dr Bissell Vandervoog and he's the author of a and I probably butchered his name, but he's the author of a very popular book that I recommend to everyone and it's the Body Keeps the Score or the Body Keeps Score, but I'm pretty sure it's the Body Keeps the Score and it's about in that book he tells us that trauma lodges itself in the body and in the brain. And what it does? It distorts perception and memory story that mirrors their own. The brain lights up like, literally, there's synapses in the brain that's going off because it identifies with that story. Specifics, sensory, emotional, rich details activate the parts of the brain that are associated with memory and empathy and the listener's brain recognizes itself in the narrative and it feels seen, it feels known, it feels validated and breakthrough begins to happen. And that is the first crack in the trance. The first crack because here's the truth about trauma. Here's the truth.
Speaker 1:Trauma doesn't just destroy your safety, it distorts your reality. It doesn't just destroy your safety, it distorts your reality and it convinces you that wrong is right, that abuse is love, that silence is holiness, that boundaries are rebellion and that submission means becoming invisible. Ladies, I'm talking to you and, worst of all, it convinces you that you're the problem. That's what trauma does. It convinces you that you're the problem. It distorts everything and then convinces you that you're the problem, and especially when Scripture is weaponized, that's one of the big ones.
Speaker 1:So, because there's so many women, I was talking to someone recently about a situation of a friend of hers. That was that was going through something and scripture was weaponized against her and now she's no longer walking with the Lord. And I was so grieved because so many women that my wife and I counsel didn't start out confused. They didn't. They had a sense deep in their gut Yo yo, something's off, this ain't right. Their spirit was whispering to them. This isn't what God meant, but they were trained to ignore that voice. Instead, they were taught things like turn the other cheek, wives. Submit to your husbands as a weapon to control rather than a call to a mutual love. Turn the other cheek as a reason to allow evil rather than resist it.
Speaker 1:Here's a good one, and good, as in this, is often misused and misrepresented and weaponized against women and men alike. That love covers a multitude of sins. That's in 1 Peter 4.8. Love covers a multitude of sins. That's in 1 Peter 4, 8. Because they want to give you, they want to weaponize that as a reason to keep enduring abuse. Love covers a multitude of sins, so just keep on enduring that abuse. But God never intended his word to be used as a leash around your throat. Let me say that to you again God never intended his word to be used as a leash around your throat. That's weaponizing scripture. And so that's why details matter.
Speaker 1:When a woman says he quoted Ephesians five while threatening to lock me in a room if I didn't obey, she's not dishonoring scripture. No, she's exposing the lie that twisted it. She's exposing how it was weaponized against her. Because details matter. And why? Because the devil loves vague silence. Man, the devil loves vague silence. What do I mean by that? Abusers want survivors to stay silent for two reasons. The first reason is to keep the survivor confused. It wants to keep you confused. The second reason is to keep other victims unaware of what's really going on. Right, because then they're going to be free. So because, as long as no one is naming it, no one is describing it in real language and in vivid detail. As long as no one is doing that, those still living under the fog of spiritual, emotional and physical abuse. They don't have the vocabulary to resist it. That's how systems of oppression thrive when pain is spiritualized, when silence is moralized, when generalizations replace the truth.
Speaker 1:Let me be a pastor with you real quick. Let me be very pastoral with you here. We do not serve a vague God. I got to be real clear about that. We do not serve a vague God. He is a God of covenants, he is a God of details and he is a God of names.
Speaker 1:Listen, the Bible isn't a story about abstract principles. It's full of specific people who deal with specific trauma and have a very specific deliverance. God doesn't just say yo, hey, hey, I heard someone crying over there, let me go do something about it. Nah, nah, nah. He says in Exodus three, verse seven. He says I have seen the misery of my people in Egypt. He says I've heard them crying out and I'm concerned about their suffering. He names it, he sees it and he moves because of it. We have to be. God is a God who is very specific, he's very detail oriented and we should not believe the lie of the enemy that we shouldn't be that for ourselves.
Speaker 1:No, tell your story and tell it in detail, all right, because details heal, details heal, details heal. How do I know that details heal? Because when trauma survivors speak up, the more details they share, the more they offer something powerful to those who are still in bondage to that thing that they've been healed from. For instance, when you say that's exactly what he said to me, then they're giving you language. When you say things or think things like I thought I was crazy for feeling that way, they're recognizing. That gives you recognition. When you say, if she can say it, then I can too, it gives you permission. When you say, if she can say it, then I can too, it gives you permission. When you say, if she can leave, or if she left, maybe I can too. It's giving you courage. If she healed, maybe I can heal too. It's giving you hope, because details open the door. Detail takes the scales off of your eyes so that you can see. Details break that spell that you're under, that has you in a cycle of trauma and thinking it's love. This is what Revelations 12 and 11 meant when it says that in 12, 11, it says they overcame him Speaking of the enemy. They overcame him Speaking of the enemy. They overcame him by the blood of the lamb and by the word of their testimony. Not by the idea of a testimony, but by the word, the details, the very specific word of their testimony, by telling the story. That's what I'm saying to you, because, breaking telling the story, it breaks the spell of silence.
Speaker 1:When the Israelites were enslaved, pharaoh didn't just beat them, he manipulated them. He made them believe that they were only worth what they could build. But when God sent Moses, what did Moses say? He said let my people go. In my mind, I'm here. Hey, yo, it's time to bounce up out of here, pharaoh, and you need to give us, you need to let us go, because we got stuff to do for the Lord. You know what I mean. We got, we got stuff that the Lord has for us to do. So you need to let us go. You need to let us go. But what gave Moses credibility with the people? What allowed him to speak on their behalf? Because he knew their suffering. He named it. He knew the bricks, he knew the lashings, he knew the cries at night of pain that was feeling inconsolable. He spoke the language of the oppressed because he had seen it with his own eyes and he didn't flinch in the sight of it.
Speaker 1:That's what today's survivors need. That's what people who are trapped in trauma and abuse need. Not sanitized stories, not vague metaphors. No, they need courageous women to tell the truth and to tell it plainly. And when I say that, let me make this very clear Not with defilement but with clarity. Not with bitterness but with conviction, and not with shame but with faith but with sacred fire. That's what we need. Okay, because healing is in the details.
Speaker 1:Let me be very clear this is not about trauma dumping. Okay, that you just dumping your trauma on the internet or on somebody else. It's not about rehashing abuse with no boundaries or no filter. No, it's about stewarding your story so that others may be free and live. It's about saying things like this is how the enemy tried to take me out.
Speaker 1:This is how scripture was twisted in my pain. This is how scripture was twisted in my pain. This is what I was made to believe and this is how God opened my eyes, because in John 9, when the blind man was healed, he didn't say yo, I had an encounter with, with that dude over there. Nah, he didn't say that. He said he put mud on my eyes and I washed. And now I see he was specific. He shared details and he was led of the spirit. It was holy and it testified. It testified of the goodness of God who healed him.
Speaker 1:So how can you start? How can you start to heal through the details of your story If you've survived spiritual abuse, religious abuse, religious manipulation, domestic control or trauma that was dismissed or disguised as biblical? Here's where your healing begins. Not just in prayer, though. Prayer is very vital. You cannot heal without it. Not just time, although healing is a process and takes time. Healing is a process and takes time, but what I've found, what I've experienced, what I've seen, what I've know to work, is there are three foundational steps that you can take their research back, their scripture back, and there's books written about them that you can find. And number one that I always recommend when you want to heal from your trauma and tell your story is you have to start journaling your story, and not just journaling but journal every detail that you can stomach, because research from Dr James Penbaker he's a professor at UT Austin he shows that expressive writing, especially about traumatic experiences, it significantly improves physical health, it reduces anxiety and it enhances your immune function.
Speaker 1:But the key isn't just venting. No, it's about being very specific. Specificity is key in your healing. You have to be specific. And when in his book he says that when people can construct a coherent narrative of what happened, they move from being a victim to becoming a narrator. And this, and the reason I share that, is because this aligns perfectly with how healing happens.
Speaker 1:In Psalms, david doesn't just say I'm sad. No, he says in Psalm 6, verse 6, he says I am worn out from my groaning all night, I long and I, all night long, I flood my bed with weeping and I drench my couch with tears. He's very specific, he's very animated. That's specific and, most importantly, he's honest. That leads to emotional clarity.
Speaker 1:So what I want you to do is I want you to get a journal and title it the Truth, and in it I want you to begin writing the full version of your story what happened, where it happened, how it felt, what was said. Don't sanitize it for other people. Write what's true, why? Because and this is what I want you to understand Until your body knows that it's safe to tell the truth, it will continue to live in silence and fear. So your story deserves a place to breathe, even if the page is the only witness for now, because I know it's hard to trust people. Everyone's been dropped, everyone's been mishandled when they've shared their story and if you're in that place, that's why I always recommend the first step is to write it down until you have the clarity, the confidence, the assurance to share it with someone that you trust. Number two is name the lies that you were taught in God's name, man, that that that is a powerful one.
Speaker 1:One of the most dangerous forms of trauma is spiritual abuse, because in spiritual abuse, that's where scripture is misused to manipulate, to shame or to silence you. When truth is weaponized, it fractures your relationship with God and with self. Dr Diane Langberg she's a Christian trauma therapist and she wrote the book Redeeming Power, understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church. And listen to what she wrote. She says when someone uses God's name or scripture to hurt another person, they are committing soul murder. It distorts not only the person's self-worth but their perception of God himself, man. That is so true. Many survivors. What I've, what I've found to be true, is that many survivors feel that they're rebelling against God by questioning abusive dynamics, but in reality, they're returning to him because of the truth of his scripture, of because of the truth of his scripture.
Speaker 1:So, for instance, they may have, uh, twisted first Corinthians 13, five love keeps no record of wrong. So they say, hey, hey you, you, you can't bring that up. It love, love. The Bible says that love keeps no record of wrong. Why are you trying to blame me for? For abusing you Don't keep no record of wrong, but what that's? But what the verse after that says brings clarity to what they're twisting, because love is not uh.
Speaker 1:Verse six is love is not complicit in evil. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. That's what it says. Right after it says love keeps no record of wrong. The very next verse says love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. So why are you, why are you doing me like this, bro? And so we have to do that.
Speaker 1:So here's, here's what I want you to do for a step to create a column, create a two column list and one column right Biblical phrases that were used against you, and on the other column I want you to write the true character of Christ or verses in proper context as very important. That's why we should study for ourselves when people are using scripture to keep you oppressed. So if you've got to use a concordance, if you've got to use a study Bible, if you've got to research some stuff, let God detox the lies from your spirit. Okay, because until you replace the counterfeit gospel of control, listen to me until you replace the counterfeit gospel of control with the truth of Jesus's character, your healing will be partial, because truth sets you free, according to John 8 32. But first it has to be unmasked. If you don't know what the truth is, it cannot set you free. If you don't know the correct context for the scriptures that were used against you, then he can't use his word to set you free. If you don't know the correct context for the scriptures that were used against you, then he can't use his word to set you free. All right.
Speaker 1:So number three and this is the third one in the three steps find a safe person to share your story with. And I know for some people you're like yo I don't trust nobody. Ain't nobody safe out here, because you may be in that situation and I understand. I understand if you're in that situation and you're like yo ain't, ain't nobody out here in these, in these streets here safe, that's OK, you don't, you don't have to start with that, but at some point you need to get to that place, all right, so find someone.
Speaker 1:So one of the most healing things that trauma survivors can experience is co-recognition in community. I'm going to say that again and I know it's a mental health therapist counselor term, but co-recognition and safe community. What that means is you're being seen, you're being believed and you're being loved. While telling your truth and according to trauma researcher Stephen Porgey he wrote the book Polyvagal Theory and according to his polyvagal theory, safety and healing. Safety and healing are biological Blew my mind. I'm like what Safety and healing are biological? When you're in the presence of a regulated, compassionate person, our nervous system calms and opens up to restoration. I'm telling you, that's why God designed healing and community and not isolation.
Speaker 1:I was having a conversation with a, with a female soldier, and, um, she was coming in with the intent to tell me why she felt that she wasn't being promoted and mentored and in the process of sharing that, she just unleashed her whole military experience with me, uh, trauma after trauma and, as you could guess, while she was sharing this with me, she was like I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I'm just telling you this. And at the time, you know, I didn't have the mental health training that I have now, I hadn't read the books that I had now or had the courses that I had now, but I was a Christian and I was a pastor. And I told her I say, look, there's two scriptures that come to mind as to why you're telling me what you're telling me. And I don't know if you believe in God or not, or believe in Jesus or not. But James 5, 16 tells us that confess your sins one to another and pray for one another that you may be healed. And so I say look, it sounds to me that there's some healing that still needs to take place there. So I'm going to, if you're okay with it, I'm going to pray for you that that healing happens.
Speaker 1:And then the second scripture, because she was like what's the second scripture? It's Galatians 6.2. And Galatians 6.2 says carry each other's burdens and in that way, or in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. Bear each other's burden. And so I told her. I said, by you sharing that with me, you're giving me permission to carry that with you and because I'm in a position of authority, I can do something about what, what you've been experiencing in this company. And so we never.
Speaker 1:We were, and I share that to say that we were never meant to walk out of the tomb alone. Jesus didn't tell Lazarus to take off his own grave clothes. You know the story. He told the people around him, unbind him. You could read it John 11, 44. He told the crowd, the people around him, loose this man. He wasn't saying, hey, take that stuff off. He says no, he lose him and let him free. So we're never designed or meant to walk out the tomb alone or to do it in community. So here's what I want you to do Ask God for one safe, spirit filled person that can be a counselor, a mentor, a support group or a trauma informed pastoral leader.
Speaker 1:But find someone that you can share your story with. Who would, who will believe you, who, who? Who have space for you to tell your truth and all the details that you feel comfortable sharing, who have space for you to tell your truth and all the details that you feel comfortable sharing and that will steward that story as sacred. Okay, and if you need someone, um, my wife and I are willing to to do our best to give you some resources and to help you in that area. Um, but if you don't know where to start, um, recommend this book by Basel Vendor Koch the Body Keeps the Score. There's another book by Andi Colbert, which is Try Softer, and then there's a book by Dr Henry Cloud and John Townsend called Safe People and John Townsend called Safe People.
Speaker 1:Read those books, find out who's qualified and get your story, even if you write it all out and just read it to them, get it, I'm telling you, it's therapeutic, it's needed, it's necessary. And here's why Healing isn't just vertical, between you and God. It's also horizontal, through the love and truth of others, because God often answers prayers for healing through the presence of his people that he's put around you. All right, all right. So those are three things, and I'm gonna throw a bonus one in there for you because I believe this, this one is is very, very needed, because some people they're not ready to take this one on.
Speaker 1:But I'm gonna give you a bonus one if you want to, if you want to speed up the healing process, all right, and the bonus one is fast from confusion and feast on clarity, because in toxic systems, confusion is a tactic. I know that to be true. In toxic systems, confusion is a tactic. You're always second guessing, you're always unsure, you're always overwhelmed. But healing begins when you are when, when you, when you clear space to hear God's voice clearly. That's when healing happens.
Speaker 1:So, if you need to, I suggest you take a seven day break from anything that clouds your clarity, whether that be social media, toxic environments, religious influencers who you're following, who cause anxiety, and replace those things with worship reading your word, taking a walk outside if weather permits, and sitting in silence and waiting on the voice of the Lord and, as he begins to speak to you, journal what comes up. You'll be surprised how much your spirit already knows what's true, that you've just been taught not to trust it. All right, because John 10, 27 says my sheep hear my voice, I know them and they follow me. So if you want to expedite your healing, you have to detach and fast from the confusion, because discernment grows in silence. The spirit is not a God of chaos, but of peace. You can find that in 1 Corinthians 14, 33.
Speaker 1:And clarity is often the first taste of freedom. You ever go to be in a place, in an environment and you'd be like, wow, this is such clarity, it's all starting to click and make sense. That's the first taste of freedom. Ok, you don't have to tell your whole story today, you don't have to post it online. You don't have to confront every person who hurt you, but you do need to start telling the truth, and tell the truth to yourself, tell the truth to God and eventually I'm not saying right away you need to tell the truth to someone safe, all right, because the more detailed your truth becomes, the more powerful your freedom will be.
Speaker 1:Because in every God honoring detail there's a declaration, and here's a declaration, and here's the declaration. I am no longer confused, I am no longer controlled, I am no longer silent. Every detail that you share, that is what you're declaring in the spirit and in your heart and that, my sister, is the beginning of your healing. So let me give you one final thought of how chains break, because, as I look through the Bible, there's a reason Pharaoh tried to silence Moses. There's a reason the enemy wants you to just move on and not do anything about it. There's a reason that abusers say don't tell anyone, don't talk about this. Or nowadays they even hey, sign this NDA, sign this NDA. Sign is NDA.
Speaker 1:Because every time you speak the truth, someone else wakes up. Remember that every detail you share becomes a flashlight and someone else's darkness, every vivid memory that you bring to light, becomes an invitation to healing. Every sentence that you fear was too much, maybe the next sentence. Another woman needs to believe that she's not crazy and she's not alone. Because this is not what I'm sharing with you and what you're writing. This is not just therapy, this is a testimony. This is not just healing, this is deliverance. And it begins with one sacred act, and that's telling the truth, telling it fully, boldly and, most importantly, with details. And if this podcast and I know you know I got to get my shameless plug if this podcast stirs something in your heart, if you feel the spirit whispering in your ear it's time, then I invite you to do this one thing this week. This is what I invite you to do Write your story.
Speaker 1:I know you was looking for this deep, deep, philosophical, theological nod. Write your story, even if it's just for you, even if your hands are shaking. Write it, and write it detail, with honesty and with grace. And know this the God who saw Hagar in the wilderness he sees you too. He's not confused about your story and he's not ashamed of your pain. No, he will not waste a single word that you share. Why? Because healing is in the details. Thank you.