Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
In "Do The Work! with Harold McGhee Jr.", hear the powerful stories of individuals who have overcome various struggles and setbacks, paving the way for a life of purpose, freedom, and legacy. Tune in to learn how dedication to doing the work of mental health can rewrite your life's narrative.
Do The Work with Harold McGhee Jr.
Ep. 21 Marriage Under Pressure: How Small Fights Lead to Big Disconnects
Ever found yourself in a heated argument with your spouse over something as trivial as dishes in the sink, only to watch it spiral into questioning whether you even value each other? You're not alone. This relationship phenomenon—where small triggers ignite emotional explosions—reveals something profound about our connections.
"You're never actually fighting about the dishes," Harold McGee Jr. explains in this illuminating episode. "You're fighting from a place of disconnection." Drawing from both personal experience and professional insight, Harold unpacks why these seemingly minor conflicts escalate so dramatically and offers practical tools to transform them into opportunities for deeper intimacy.
At the heart of these conflicts lies our nervous system's inability to distinguish between physical and emotional threats. When your partner sighs or uses "that tone," your brain goes into red alert, shuttling you into fight, flight, or freeze mode before you even realize what's happening. This neurological hijacking explains why logical conversations can suddenly veer into emotional chaos.
The episode introduces game-changing strategies including the timeout protocol, physical regulation techniques, and the powerful XYZ formula for clear communication: "When X happens, I feel Y, and I need Z." These structured approaches help prevent automatic reactions when emotions run high. For couples with faith backgrounds, Harold reclaims biblical concepts like prayer as neurosynchronization and submission as mutual surrender to enhance connection.
Perhaps most transformative is the shift from pursuing perfect communication to mastering perfect repair through recognition, responsibility, remorse, and reconnection. Every relationship experiences disconnection—what matters is how quickly and thoroughly you restore the bond. Ready to stop arguing about dishes and address what's really happening in your relationship? Listen now and do the work that could transform your marriage forever.
All right, welcome to Do the Work Podcast. I'm your host, harold McGee Jr. If this is your first time, welcome. If you're coming back, welcome as well. And today we're talking about something that's hidden home for about 99% of you right now, and that's those ridiculous arguments with your spouse that start over nothing but somehow they end up feeling like emotional Armageddon. Am I the only one you know? And so I'm not here to vent my frustrations. I'm here. I'm here to help us All. Right, based off my frustrations. I ain't going to lie. They based off my frustrations.
Speaker 1:But listen, last week I'm standing in my kitchen, right, and I'm staring at a sink full of dishes that don't belong to me. I didn't put them there, okay, and blood is boiling, blood pressure boiling, not going to lie. And I had two choices, right? First choice passive, aggressively stack the dishes even higher than they already are, because that pettiness, anointing is real sometimes, right? Or I could start an argument that would somehow end up with me debating whether I even value my wife or not, right? Do I value her at all? And so I wish I could tell you that I chose the mature option, right? But let's just say we ended up having a spirited discussion. There wasn't no furniture moving, but hey, it was very spirited and it was about respect, consideration and somehow I don't know how, but somehow my inability to schedule dentist appointments correctly. I was like what? Which had absolutely nothing to do with the dishes. I'm like, come on, does this sound familiar? Am I the only one? Does this sound familiar to you listening or watching? So in that moment where you're arguing about something so small but suddenly everything in your marriage feels on the line, I'm like come on now, and here's the truth. You're never actually fighting about the dishes. That's what I'm talking about. You're never fighting about the dishes. You're never fighting about socks or your tone of voice or you forgetting to switch out the dishwasher. You're not fighting about those things. You're fighting from a place of disconnection. And understanding this isn't just helpful, and what I mean by this? I mean the place of disconnection. Understanding this is not just helpful. It can literally, it might just save your marriage or relationship. I've seen it happen over and over. Okay, so let's do the work. All right, let's jump into this.
Speaker 1:And first thing I want to talk about is I want to say is that in the military, we have this saying, and the saying is the map is not the territory. The map is not the territory. And what you see on paper never fully captures what's happening on the ground. Because marriage is the same way. And what I mean by that is like we can do a map recon and we can point out things on the map and how it looks on paper and the different things that we may encounter on paper, but that never fully gives us the real picture of what we're coming up against in the territory. All right, and so the same thing applies in our marriage. Marriage is exactly like that, because the invisible, the visible arguments what you say that you're fighting about. That's just the map, that's just the map. The territory, however, that's the invisible emotional landscape that's underneath it. And so, after several years over 50, I've been in the military, over 15 years, you know military service, teaching students, counseling couples, plus making plenty of my own relationship mistakes I can tell you with absolute certainty that those surface issues are never the real problem. Anybody who's been in any type of relationship more than a few years, or even sometimes a few months, they will let you know that those surface, the things that you're fighting about, are never the things that you're actually fighting about.
Speaker 1:And let me give you an example. So there there's this couple, will and Jamie, right, and they came to me convinced that they were failing in their marriage and falling apart because they couldn't agree on how to discipline their kids. All right, he was too strict, she was too lenient Classic Right. But when we dug deeper we discovered something fascinating. His strictness came from growing up with an alcoholic father who provided no structure whatsoever, and her leniency it stemmed from parents who were emotionally cold towards her, but they were rigidly enforced the rules. They were on her all the time about enforcing the rules. And they weren't the couple, they weren't actually disagreeing about parenting. What we realized was they were reacting from unhealed places in their own stories and they were triggering each other's deepest fears without even realizing it.
Speaker 1:And because your brain this happens because your brains, our brains primary job. It has one job and that's to keep us alive. That's the primary job of the brain, is to keep us alive. And here's the wild part. Your brain processes relationships, threat, the same way it processes physical ones. Because when your spouse sighs heavily at something that you said or uses that tone that you know, that tone and your nervous system doesn't distinguish this from the physical attack, right, and so your brain goes into danger, danger, red alert, red alert like hey, red flags, like we're about to set it off, it's up up in here and so it fires up your threat response. And that happens whether the threat is physical or emotional or relational. And so this manifests the three primary and three primary ways. And you know the three ways fight, flight or freeze. If it's in fight mode, you become argumentative and defensive or critical. If you're in a flight mode, you withdraw emotionally, you avoid conflict, or are you physically, leave the situation and then freeze is. That's when you're shutting down, you're going silent, you become stuck, so to say, and you know the kicker. You know what the kicker is.
Speaker 1:Most of us have a default pattern that we've been running our entire lives, and we usually marry someone with a complimentary pattern or an opposite pattern. That creates this destructive dance that I like to call, and the dance is she criticizes, which is fight, he withdraws, which is flight, she pursues harder, more fight, he shuts down completely, freeze, and then she gives up, freeze again, and then he tries to fix the situation right, which is back to fight. And so we keep going in this cycle over and over, and one couple I work with they call this their tornado. They were like we keep going on this tornado. Every time it's just like a tornado. And I thought, wow, that's perfect, because these cycles spin faster and more destructively over time if they're not interrupted or stopped right.
Speaker 1:And so the man back to the story that I was telling you the man had grown up with an explosive father, so he learned early that the safest response to conflict was to disappear, because he wasn't trying to get them hands laid on him, he wasn't trying to get yelled at and beat on. So that's a classic flight response. But his wife, she had grown up with a mother who gave everyone the silent treatment for days like freeze, like the classic freeze response. And so she learned that you had to push, you had to push hard to get any emotional response, which is a fight response, right. So he learned to flight and she learned to fight. They don't know this, but that's their default pattern, right.
Speaker 1:And so when you put them together, you have a relationship where her biggest fear is abandonment and it triggers his default response Withdraw, which then triggers her default response Pursue, which further triggers him because he's like look, I'm trying to lean back and give you some space and you keep coming at me and I'm trying not to do anything. But you keep coming at me and she's thinking you keep withdrawing. So I got to keep coming because you you're going to abandon me. I don't want you to abandon me. So I got to keep pushing, I got to keep pursuing, and it's like a relational version of Newton's third law right, for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, except in marriage.
Speaker 1:The reaction keeps amplifying until you're fighting about whether Jesus will load the dishwasher from the front to the back or from the back to the front. And if you know, you always go from the back to the front. I'm just saying that's just how I learn and I think that's how Jesus would load the dishwasher. But listen, if you're feeling personally attacked right now, that is good. That means that I'm on the right track, that means you can relate, that means this episode is going to mean something to somebody. And the gap, so the gap between knowing and doing is where most relationships die. Let me say that again. The gap between knowing and doing is where most relationships die. And today we're closing that gap because we don't. I don't want your relationship to die and I hope you don't want your relationship to die either, right?
Speaker 1:So one of the most fascinating aspects of relationship stress is how differently men and women tend to express it. Right and there, uh, there aren and there aren't absolute rules. So when it comes to how men express things and how women, I hesitate sometimes giving these observations because some people are like, well, I don't do that. Does that mean that I'm not expressing my frustration? Look, these are loose observations that I've noticed in most people. There's always anomalies. There's always anomalies. There's always different personalities. There's always different ways that people do it. But I've seen plenty of exceptions. Okay, but understanding these patterns can help you and help us recognize when our spouse is stressed. Right, even when they don't say it directly, it is still help you notice or identify. Ok, they, they might be stressed. All right. So let's start with the men, all right.
Speaker 1:So for men, stress typically shows up first as increased irritability or anger. I know that that's for me. I'm not going to even lie. When a guy, when a guy snaps at his kids over small infractions or get disproportionately frustrated at traffic, it's often not about the things that he's mad at. It's not about those things at all. It's usually stress from work, stress from finances, stress from relationship, concerns expressing and they're expressing themselves or itself sideways. It's like, dude, you acting crazy, like what's going on, but if you don't know to look for that, then you just think there's some jerks right.
Speaker 1:The second way is withdrawal and silence. Men tend to retreat when overwhelmed. This isn't necessarily about avoiding you. This isn't necessarily about avoiding you. It's about avoiding the intensity of emotions that they're experiencing. And one, as one husband told me. He says he's like man Harold, I go silent because I don't trust what will come out of my mouth when I'm this angry with her and I'm like, do I get it? I get it. Sometimes you just got to take a break. But one of the ways that we express that stress shows up is withdrawal and silence.
Speaker 1:A third way is that increased focus on leisure activities. What does that look like? The stereotype of men like golfing, gaming or watching sports, instead of dealing with their relationship issues. That exists for a reason because these activities provide a predictable environment where they feel competent and in control, which is, believe it or not, the exact opposite of how they might feel in a relational conflict. Right. And then finally, you have the physical symptoms, because you know we can't leave out the physical symptoms, and the physical symptoms are things like headaches, back pain, digestive issues, sleep disturbances often appear in men who are experiencing chronic relationship stress. All right, our bodies absorb what we're, what our words refuse or don't express.
Speaker 1:Okay, and when I was, when I was a teenager, I was going through it with this girl at school. We're not going to mention her name, so so I would lay in bed all day when I got home and I'll just be laying down, sleeping, napping, thinking, staring, whatever, and my older cousin would see me and he'd be like, oh, you got girl problems with cuz. And because he was like that's the main reason, a dude will be laying around, like you doing. And I used to think like for real, like, is it that obvious? Like you doing, and I used to think like for real, like, is it that obvious? But it was my body expressing my teenage relational stress due to that puppy love. That puppy love had a brother stressed out, you know. And so those are some ways that men express stress in our lives.
Speaker 1:But for women, stress tends to manifest itself a little bit differently, and some of this I took from women that I observed, but a lot of it from my wife when she gets stressed out, right. And so first I noticed an increased tension to control and order, right. And that looks like when a woman suddenly becomes hyper-focused on having a clean house or sticking to schedules, it might be her way of creating external order to compensate for the internal chaos. And I'm like, baby, if my wife is organizing stuff and rearranging stuff and trying to get order, we need to do this, we need to do that. I'm like, ok, what's going on inside that's causing all this stress, that you want to maintain order? All right.
Speaker 1:The second one is emotional amplification. Many women report feeling more emotionally reactive when stress crying at commercials, feeling heightened irritation at minor inconveniences or even experiencing mood swings that seem disconnected from current circumstances. Now, if you're pregnant, that's a whole nother story. Or if you're on your monthly, hey, that's a whole nother story. But if it's stress from a relational or just stress period, sometimes that emotional amplification will be a symptom or a way that that manifests in your life, right.
Speaker 1:And then the third one is hypervigilance about relationship. And what does that look like? That's when a woman stresses, when her stress triggers increased scanning for relational threats or relationship threats. This might look like asking more questions about your whereabouts. This may look like checking social media more frequently to try to see going on those social media investigations right. Or it could be just seeking frequent reassurance about the relationship. Do you love me? Do you really love me? Are you just saying that? Or they say what you love about me, what you come on, something's going on. You stressed about something, but, fellas, if they ask you that, please answer, because then you're going to look like a jerk and you don't want to do that. You don't want to do that.
Speaker 1:And then fourth is self-criticism and body focus. Many women they deal with their stress, their relationship stress, and they turn it into negative self-assessment. And if you notice your wife suddenly criticizing her appearance, her abilities or her worth, it could be I'm not saying it always is, but it could be a sign that she's feeling disconnected or insecure in the relationship. So you need to step it up and figure out what's going on, right? I worked with this couple where the husband he complained that his wife was becoming increasingly controlling about the house right, rearranging furniture excessively, cleaning, getting upset when anything was out of place. Meanwhile, the wife complained that her husband was spending too much time playing video games. I'm like, hold on, wait. He complaining that you're doing too much, you complain that he's doing too much. Like, okay, let's get to the root of this.
Speaker 1:And so we dug deeper and what we discovered was that they were both responding to the same stressor financial pressure. She was. She was feeling this, right. He escaped into games where he could feel powerful and in control Right, because you know, shoot him up, bang, bang or whatever the game is. And then she controlled her environment because their financial future felt unstable. So she was trying to control what she can control and he was trying to control what he can control. His happened to be video games, hers happened to be the house and cleaning and things like that. But once they recognize the real issue, then they could address it together instead of attacking each other with their own coping mechanisms, right?
Speaker 1:And so here's something that I want you to try and I shared that story to say this Instead of reacting to your spouse's stress behavior, how about you get curious about it when she starts reorganizing the kitchen cabinets at 11 o'clock at night? You know, instead of saying you know what I'm saying, instead of saying, girl, what you doing, why are you doing this right now, like I'm going to be real? That's what I would say Instead try, hey, I notice you're reorganizing things. Is something feeling out of control in your world? I'm just curious, so get curious. I'm just curious, so get curious because, or for the ladies, when he, when he gets unusually quiet and absorbed in his phone after work, instead of instead of assuming that he's ignoring you I'm not blaming, I'm just saying, instead of assuming that he's ignoring you, how about you try just saying, hey, you seem a little withdrawn tonight. Anything on your mind that I can help you with, because my wife, she should be. Hey, babe, everything cool, all right, you're a little distance. I'm going to need some cuddles, baby.
Speaker 1:And so all I'm saying is get curious. Because when we get curious instead of going into our default pattern, and we get curious instead, it will find the root issue a lot quicker, because the key is recognizing that your spouse's annoying behavior might actually be a stress response rather than a personal attack on you. Okay, so stop planning to change and start actually changing or proving it today. Okay, don't plan to get better. Actually started, get curious. Don't say you know what? I want to start getting more curious instead of fighting all the time. No, no, no, no, no. Just do it, start doing it, do the work. That's why we call it that Do the work, all right.
Speaker 1:And so I want to share something that transformed my understanding of marriage like completely, and what that is is that your nervous system is running your relationship more than your conscious intentions are. That's what I learned. I learned that our nervous system is running our relationship more than your conscious intentions are. That's what I learned. I learned that our nervous system is running our relationship more than our decisions and our conscious intentions are. Because think about it, think about the last big fight that you had with your spouse right, or your partner. I bet good money, good money that neither of you woke up that morning thinking you know what, today would be a good day to start a screaming match about loading the dishwasher. I think. I think that's what I'm a fight about today.
Speaker 1:Today seems like a good day to find out why he load the dishwasher wrong or why she don't load the dishwasher at all dishwasher wrong, or why she don't load the dishwasher at all. But yet there you were four hours later, one of you crying in the bedroom while the other one slamming doors or set stone, cold silence, giving you the silence treatment. Right, because what happened? Your nervous system hijacked your best intentions. You didn't intend on having a screaming match, but your nervous system was in that fight, flight or freeze mode and you just it just popped off. Right, Because when your nervous system perceives a threat, which can be anything from a harsh tone to a dismissive look it, look, it takes your prefrontal cortex, the rational, thoughtful part of your brain, and it takes that, it takes it completely offline. And this is great when you're like trying to outrun a dog or something you know, but it's terrible. It is terrible when you're trying to have a nuanced conversation about the budget or about your finances. It's not, it's not good, all right.
Speaker 1:And so I saw this play out dramatically with a couple that I was working with and the, the husband and this couple the husband, which was a successful businessman he was a church elder which was a successful businessman. He was a church elder, he was, you know, generally reasonable guy Would completely lose his ability to form coherent sentences when his wife's, when his wife, brought up concerns about their finances. Like, he's a successful businessman, he's a, he's a spiritually mature person and he like. But he would he start stuttering, you know, and he'll get defensive, he interrupt her and he'll just shut down completely. And when we and so, as we're talking about this and I'm getting to know, I'm getting some background information, and when we explored this reaction, what we discovered was that in his childhood, money discussions always preceded his parents' violent arguments Like that's what was the trigger in his home between his parents was money discussions. Parents was money discussions. And so his nervous system had learned that money talk equals danger, right. And he would automatically like, without even thinking, throw himself into fight, flight or freeze mode, like, look, I ain't dealing with it because I am not about to be like my parents and go on whoops upside your head about no money that you didn't spend, right. And so understanding this changed everything for them. It wasn't that he didn't care about her concerns, because he did, but his brain was literally incapable, do you hear me? His brain was literally incapable of engaging productively when he was triggered.
Speaker 1:And the reason I share that is because I want to share four practical tools for communicating when one or both of you are triggered. And so if you identify with that story. Your trigger may not be finances. It may not be one of the stories that I'm sharing, but I'm sharing these stories so that you can see the pattern.
Speaker 1:There's usually some type of topic or situation that arises that triggers you and your nervous system takes over and your brain just stops working. And so the four things that I want to share with you is the first one is recognize and name your state. Recognize and name your state and that's just simply acknowledging look, I'm feeling defensive right now, or I notice I'm getting a little overwhelmed right now so that you can create enough distance from your emotions to prevent automatic reactions. So recognize it, name it, so that you can create that distance. All right, because this naming process it actually helps shift brain activity from the amygdala, where your emotions are, to the prefrontal cortex, where you're thinking and reasoning is Right. And so you can try something like saying I'm noticing I'm getting triggered right now. I need to have this conversation, but I need a few minutes to calm down first. Right, there's nothing wrong with that. Knowing yourself, recognizing it is naming that state that you're in is a great first step.
Speaker 1:The second one is implementing a timeout protocol. What does that look like? That's basically establishing a predetermined signal or phrase that either you that either of you could use. It doesn't have to be just you, but either of you can use when you need a pause. This isn't about avoiding the conversation. It's not about that at all. It's about temporarily stepping away to regulate your nervous system so that you can return and communicate effectively. That's all you're trying to do, because my wife and I we use the phrase I need to check the thermometer. I know sounds crazy, but look, mind your business. I know sounds crazy, but look, mind your business. We use I need to check the thermometer as our code and it's our way of saying my emotional temperature is getting a little too high right now for productive conversation, so I'm going to go check the temperature.
Speaker 1:And the key the key is agreeing beforehand. It's a couple of things that you need to agree on beforehand. Number one is how long the break will be. You can't be taking a break for two days. That ain't going to work. Look, 20 minutes is typically sufficient enough. 10, 20 minutes you should be good. You don't need several days to go on binges. You know just a couple of minutes. And then the second thing is you need to determine what each person will do during that time. You're not going to go talk to your girlfriend or call some people or go search social media. No, pray about it, take a walk, take some deep breath, because your heart rates up whatever, but decide ahead of time what you're going to be doing when you take that break, all right.
Speaker 1:And then the third one is make a commitment to return to the conversation when the time is up. If you're going to agree on 20 minutes, like, look, let's give each other 20 minutes. After that, 20 minutes up, we're going to come together, we're going to commit to come together, right? Once you agree on those things beforehand, when you give your code word and you take that break, it runs a lot smoother because I'm ready, you ready, no, I ain't ready, but I'm going to tell you when I'm ready. See, you're bickering. You got to agree on these things. When you have a level head, when you're not fighting and you can just say how much time you think you're going to need, all right. And so the third. So that's the second thing Timeout protocol.
Speaker 1:The third thing is use physical regulation techniques because your body and your brain are connected. I don't know if you know this or not. That big head of yours is connected to your body with that neck yours. It's connected to your body with that net, and so physical interventions can calm your nervous system when words alone can't like get the job done or they can't cut through the emotional overwhelm, and so some effective techniques could include things like deep breathing, you know, placing your hand on your heart I see, I see this a lot is when people feel overwhelmed, when they need to take a break or when things are just not going well. They put their hand on their heart and it kind of forces them to take those deep breaths. All right, splashing cold water on your face you see that a lot in movies too. You like, look man, I need to splash cold water on my face.
Speaker 1:Brief physical exercise Do some jumping jacks, do some pushups, whatever you got to do to get regulated right. Or even progressive muscle relaxation. You know, whatever works for you, don't be doing the most and being extra with it, but just find something that works for you you can knock out real quick, because I often teach couples to sit facing each other during conflicts and synchronize their breathing, because the reason why is because this creates what neuroscientists call co-regulation, co-regulation, which is the process by which two nervous systems, you and your partner. They calm each other because you're getting synchronized on the same pattern. And so, before you roll your eyes at me, because I can feel you rolling your eyes, don't do it. Yes, I know, I know how this sounds. So don't even roll your eyes. But when you're in the middle of a fight, so don't even roll your eyes. But when you're, then.
Speaker 1:The fourth technique is a simple XYZ. This is my favorite one. A lot of people that I share this with they say this is their favorite one too. And this, the XYZ formula, when you speak, when, when you, when you come back, when you, if you take your break, when you've calmed down and you come back together, use the X Y Z formula. And the X Y Z formula is simply when I, when X happens, I feel Y and I need Z, x Y Z. When X happens, I feel Y and I need Z, x Y Z. When X happens, I feel Y and I need Z. For example, when I come home and I see dishes in the sink I know this sounds personal, right when I come home and I see dishes in the sink. X when I come home and see dishes in the sinks. X I feel overwhelmed and under or unappreciated why? So when I come home X and I see dishes in the sink, I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated why? And I need 10 minutes to decompress and then some help clear in the kitchen. Z so you're identifying what happened, you're taking ownership on how you feel and then you're giving them an opportunity to help by telling them what you need.
Speaker 1:Ok, and this approach, it's a natural observation rather than an accusation. That's why I love it. It's an observation rather than an accusation. You're taking responsibility for your feelings and you're clearly expressing a need rather than a complaint. And that's that changes everything, because you don't want to keep nagging and complaining. You want to to show a need for companionship. Right, because I remember teaching this to a couple who were, um, constantly bickering. I'm going to say it that way they were constantly bickering.
Speaker 1:And the and the husband he tried one night. He was saying. He said and the husband he tried one night. He was saying. He said, when you ask me multiple questions, right when I walk in the door X I feel anxious and concerned why? And I need 15 minutes to transition before we connect and catch up. Z and his wife's response was like why didn't you say that before? I thought you didn't want to talk to me at all. 15 minutes, boy, go on, take your little 15 minutes, no big deal. Take them little 15 minutes, because she's not threatened when you put it like that. But when you come in like man, why you always ride me? Man, just give me some room. I just got through the door. Why you asking me all these questions? Who walked the bam? You don't want to do that. Nah, that's how you start fighting about if you even value your wife and if you know how to schedule um doctor's appointments, experience right.
Speaker 1:So because, look, sometimes the solution really can be that simple. It really can, but only if both people's nervous systems are regulated enough to hear each other. If your nervous system is out of whack or her nervous system is out of whack, then you're not connected. There's no connection there and you're just going to be talking at each other instead of with each other. This is where intention meets implementation. Not sometimes, not when it's convenient, not when it's easy, but every day. You have to do the work, you have to be intentional, you have to implement it. That's the only way that you're going to see results is if you do the work each day to make the connection happens.
Speaker 1:All right, because scripture provides powerful tools for maintaining connection under stress, but they're often misunderstood or misapplied in modern marriages. Because let's look, let's reclaim these three biblical concepts that can transform your relationship. Let's reclaim them, and the first one that I want to reclaim is prayer as a neurosynchronization I know I'm using these scientific words. Hey, you need to pray, because most Christian couples pray together occasionally, usually before meals or at church. They don't really pray like they supposed to. All right, and but but what? But? What would happen if you viewed prayer as a scientific tool for reconnection? Because research shows that when people pray together, their brainwaves literally align. Why do you think we say agree in prayer? Because your brainwaves align. It's one of the most powerful ways to reestablish connection.
Speaker 1:Try this when you feel tension rising, before launching into problem solving or debating or whatever y'all do, when y'all fight, take two or three minutes to pray together, not about fixing the other person, because, let's just face it, that's passive, aggressive spirituality, petty but authentically. Share your heart with God in each other's presence. That's the key. Share your heart to God, about the situation, not about the person, but do it in each other's presence. It's going to cause you to connect with each other, because one couple that I work with, they made a commitment to hold hands and pray before any serious discussion. I thought that was dope, because the husband told me later he was like it's impossible to pray while holding hands, while holding her hand, and still see her as my enemy. It's impossible to pray while holding her hand and still see her as my enemy. That's, that's phenomenal. I'm like, dude for sure, let's hold hands. You don't have to make it super deep and spiritual, let's just hold hands and pray for a few minutes.
Speaker 1:Second thing that we need to read, that the Bible shares with us, that we need to reclaim it's a Sabbath, a Sabbath as a nervous system reset. Because I'm a firm believer in Sabbath and our hyperactive culture. We've reduced Sabbath to a church service, squeezed between brunch and a football game. Right, but the biblical concept of Sabbath is a radical reset of your nervous system. God knew what he was doing when he said take a break. Rest Sabbath literally means to stop, cut it out. You know what I'm saying. It's about intentionally interrupting the cycle of productivity and performance that keeps many modern marriages in perpetual fight or flight mode. Take a break, calm down and your nervous system. It gives your nervous system time to reset.
Speaker 1:Because look, what if you and your partner, you and your spouse, created a weekly relationship Sabbath? Harold, what's a relationship Sabbath? I'm glad you asked what if y'all created a time, a period of time, specifically designated for reconnection, without an agenda, no problem solving, no logistical discussions, no parenting debates, just being in each other's presence? This doesn't have to be complicated, because I am not a fan of complicated. One couple I know who does this has Sabbath Saturdays where they spend the morning doing something enjoyable together, before the day's responsibilities began. They take time and they enjoy their morning, their Saturday mornings, together. You know. Another couple has has no phone Sundays where between 1 pm, once they get out of church, and 5 pm they turn off all devices and they put them away and they focus on being together Without digital distractions. Right? So those are some things. Have a Sabbath, have a relationship Sabbath, whatever works for you and your partner, you and your spouse, take that and make it a sacred all right.
Speaker 1:And then the third thing is submission as mutual surrender and not doormat theology, right, we ain't about that life. I say that because few biblical concepts have been more misused than submission. It's been weaponized to silence women, to excuse abuse, to preserve power and balances between people. But the Greek word for submission was a military term that meant to arrange. Under my understanding of submission, being an officer in the military and being submitted under authority. In the military, we don't just blindly follow people. There is an arrange under a position, yourself in support of another. When we submit to our leader, we are following, are carrying out the leader's intent. So that means we are positioning ourselves to support that leader, not be walked on, ran over or whatever, because Ephesians 521 commands us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Before it addresses husband and wives specifically, it says out of reverence for Christ. And this mutual submission creates a marriage where both partners prioritize the other's wellbeing. In practical terms, it looks like this Listening to understand before responding.
Speaker 1:That's a big one. Being willing to be influenced by your spouse's perspective. Let them have a say why they always got to follow your decisions. They have ideas, they have a brain. Let them follow it, whether it's the wife with the husband or the husband with the wife, however, but value your spouse's perspective. And then another one is sacrificing your preferences for the benefit of your partner, and it's both partners. That shouldn't be like a one-sided thing. You shouldn't be the one always sacrificing your preferences. You should both have a mutual love to be willing to sacrifice each other's preferences for the other person's benefit. Ok. And then the last one considering their needs as important as your own, like, don't just acknowledge your spouse's needs, but consider them just as important as yours, because they are important as yours, because they are Okay. And that's what it means to to have, um, some submission as a, as as mutual surrender, okay.
Speaker 1:And then, um, one husband that I counseled had a completely and this is no surprise to many of you listening he completely misunderstood this concept. He expected his wife to submit by agreeing with all his decisions, like everything, while, while he made no effort to understand her concerns Cause he was like her concerns aren't valid she, she, my wife, she needs to do what I want her to do and what I want to do, right. And so when he reframed submission as mutual surrender, their entire dynamic changed, because he began to truly listen to her wisdom and she felt safe enough to support his leadership. Here's the key when you mutually submit with your spouse I'm not saying that you got to be a yes man or anything, but when your wife feels heard and feels understood and important and taken seriously, then that allows her to feel safe enough to support your leadership. Then that allows her to feel safe enough to support your leadership. Look, I know from experience, when you value your wife's wisdom and input, then she will trust you in your leadership and vice versa, all right. So I want you to build systems, not just sentiments.
Speaker 1:Your marriage deserves more than good intentions. It needs practical implementation. That's why so much of the Do the Work podcast is giving you practical tools to actually do the work. We can talk about doing the work, we could talk about theories of doing the work, but if you don't practically implement systems into your marriage, into your relationships, into your family to make them better, then you're just going to be talking, and nobody just want to be talking, talking to be talking. So here's the truth that transformed my own marriage and the marriages of couples that I've, that I've worked with, that I've counseled.
Speaker 1:And here's the thing Perfect communication Isn't the goal. It's not Perfect communication is not the goal Perfect repair is. Remember that Perfect communication is not the goal. Perfect repair is because every relationship experiences disconnection. I've never encountered a relationship that did not go through some form of disconnection. And every couple has arguments, they have misunderstandings and moments of hurt. But the couples who thrive aren't the ones who never fight, because I believe if you don't never fight, you're crazy, you're a psychopath. But they're the ones who have learned how to repair quickly and thoroughly after a rupture has happened. So the goal is not to never fight. The goal is to be able to repair quickly and thoroughly after a rupture has happened.
Speaker 1:Because repair has four essential components. The first one is recognition you have to acknowledge that disconnection has occurred. The second one is responsibility. You have to take responsibility or ownership of your contribution. Without but statements Don't take ownership, but you did Just take responsibility and ownership of your contribution. And number three is remorse expressing genuine sorrow for the impact of your actions, like if you own up to it but you're not sorry about it, then it's not, it's not really effective. So you have to have genuine remorse and sorrow for what you've done. And then the fourth one is reconnection a tangible action to resolve emotional connection or restore emotional connection, and this might look like this, so it might sound like hey, I see that I hurt you when I dismiss your concerns about our finances. Recognition I got defensive because I feel inadequate in that area. But there's no but, but that's no excuse for how I responded. Responsibility I'm truly sorry that I made you feel unheard. Remorse sorry that I made you feel unheard Remorse. Would you be willing to sit with me now so I can listen without interrupting about our finances? Reconnection you see how those four components reframes the whole situation Recognize, responsibility, remorse and reconnection.
Speaker 1:Ok, the beauty of this approach is that it works in all relationships with your spouse, with your children, on your job, with your friends. It's a universal formula for restoring connection. I do it with my kids in the classroom, I do it with my children at home. I use it with my spouse, I use it on the job. It works regardless, because everybody deserves to be valued and everyone wants connection on some level. Because less information and more transformation. That's where it is. You need less information and more transformation. This is the heart of doing the work. The heart of it. It's less information and more transformation. That's going to always be my goal. That's going to always be why I give you practical ways to do the work.
Speaker 1:Because what if your arguments aren't a sign of your marriage failing, but an invitation to deeper intimacy? Because every conflict contains a hidden opportunity the chance to understand each other on a more deeper level and connect more authentically. Each one, every conflict contains that. Because when you fight about dishes, schedules, in-laws, finances, whatever behind those surface issues lies deeper questions. Questions like can I count on you? Questions like do you value what I contribute? Am I a priority in your life? Will you be there when I need you? These are the things that are going. These are the questions that are behind some of those fights that we have, because these unspoken questions reveal our deepest needs for security, significance and connection.
Speaker 1:So I want you to remember you're not arguing about the dishes. You're arguing from a place of disconnection and connection true, authentic, vulnerable connection. That's the antidote that your marriage is hungry for, because when you feel that irritation rising the next time your spouse leave the dishes in the sink I know I keep going back to the dishes in the sink. It's really a pet peeve of mine. But listen, take a breath and ask yourself what's really happening here. Am I feeling disconnected? Am I feeling unappreciated? Am I feeling unseen?
Speaker 1:Then, instead of launching into criticism, try saying hey, bae, I'm feeling disconnected from you today. Can we take a few minutes to check in with each other? That'd be OK with you. Simple as that. That I promise you game changer, that single shift from arguing about simple tasks to addressing connection. Look, that might just change everything in your relationship. I'm not saying it will, but I'm saying it just might, because legacy is built on daily decisions, not occasional declarations. But your marriage isn't broken. This is disconnected. It's just disconnected, and connection is something that we can always rebuild. We can always rebuild, we can always rebuild connection, because if you're disconnected, you just got to get reconnected. Till next time, let's continue to do the work.